Please can I ask for your guidance?
I am recently married (6months). I have a mother, sister and father who are very close to me. Since my marriage, my wife and I stay together away from my family. My mother and sister continuously pick everything that my wife does or doesn’t do. They do the same with me. I continuously have to apologise to my sister even when it is not my fault just to keep peace.
Lately, we had a huge argument as my wife wanted to spend the weekend with me as I travelled during the week for work.
Due to this, my sister and mother took off with me and her, swearing us, calling us names, accusing my wife of black magic and jadoo and cursing us regarding us ever having children etc. Then my mother started insulting her family. She has since said that I must change my surname to my in-laws and that I am dead to her. My father who has tried to reason with them is also lost and says he has no option as they take his phone away from him and do not listen to a word he says. I do not know what else to do. The strain that this is putting on me and my wife is intolerable and although we smile at each other, it still bothers both of us to a point where we are both falling sick, not eating etc.
I have been told that I am not welcome at the house, that if anyone passes away, I should not go into the qabr (being the only son of my mother) and should they see me in the street, they will scream and embarrass us.
In my first month of marriage, they had the same issue and said the same things, and even contact my work colleagues (Muslim) and friends badmouthing me and my wife. Both my friends and work colleagues informed my mother that this was a family issue and to not involve them. They also advised my mother that she and my sister need to let go. However this has not happened. When they want to visit, I have to be available and even going to do grocery shopping is taken as an excuse not to see them.
Please advise on the best way forward? Jazaak-Allah
A. Your letter is but just one of a string of letters we have received concerning turmoil in the course of marriage. All these issues are but tests and trials which the bandah (bondsman of Allah Ta’ala) will have to tackle, as this world is the Abode of Trials. Remember, firstly, that this is a trial from Allah Ta’ala. The test is from Him and ironically the solution has been provided by Him. In all our affairs what counts first is obedience to Allah Ta’ala. Although parents, wives, offspring and seniors have rights over us, their rights are subservient to the Right of Allah Ta’ala. And in the case of conflict, the Right of Allah Azza Wa Jall will be fulfilled and the demands or wishes of creation will be respectfully turned down.
Fully understand that it is only Allah Ta’ala that can create a change of attitude in people. These trials are in fact salubrious to us in that it creates despondency for this world and a yearning for the Aakhirah, which in turn cultivates Taqwa and Zuhd (abstinence) of the dunya. In this way Allah Ta’ala extricates us or saves us from becoming lost in this dunya. It is a sign that Allah Ta’ala has chosen us for the Aakhirah and to enjoy His Companionship in Jannah.
Fulfil the rights of your parents and sister to the best of your ability. If you are in the position to provide gifts to them then do so. If their demand of you separating from your wife is unjustified then ignore all their curses. Many have undergone such situations. Sabr (Patience) and forbearance have borne their fruits on untold occasions. And if creation remains intransigent and stubbornly persists in causing unjust rifts between a man and whom he has to care for then they do so at the peril of their Aakhirah.
It may take time – sometimes many years – but parents then do come to terms with their offspring’s choice of partners. As long as your wife is not encouraging you to violate or transgress the Shariah you are not blameworthy.
May Allah Ta’ala grant us understanding of our Deen and grant us the taufeeq to carry out the Ahkaam of His Deen to the best of our ability. Allah Ta’ala declares:
“He has created death and life to test who among you are the best in their actions.”
The book, The Pious Husband is worthy of studying. It is available from: firstname.lastname@example.org. Enquire from them the means of postage and delivery.