MARRIAGE AND FALSE EXPECTATIONS
Whilst much preparations are made for elaborate weddings, both the bride and the groom receive almost no tuition and coaching about the challenges which lay ahead.
Much time and effort goes into shopping and the preparations for the BIG DAY.
However, for the many days to come, very little is done. Thus many couples enter into a Nikaah with false expectations of being “happy ever after”.
It is vitally important that both the groom and the bride be mentally prepared for the challenges which lay ahead. Marriage is a life changer.
Both parties should understand that by entering into a Nikaah, the days of freedom are gone. There will be a whole set on new responsibilities.
From day one, life has changed forever. It is best to address some of the undermentioned issues before marriage so that future disputes may be avoid.
Both parties should also mentally prepare themselves for the challenges lying ahead. Before rushing into a marriage, thorough investigations should be made.
HOPE FOR THE BEST…
PREPARE FOR THE WORST… BEFORE GETTING MARRIED, WHAT HE SHOULD EXPECT…
- Expect her to come with a cell phone when she leaves her parents’ home and for her to stay in contact with her family and a lot of friends.
Consider yourself lucky if she does ask you permission to bring it along.
- Expect her to fall over her feet in serving your parents and relatives initially. Don’t encourage her.
After three months all the fervour will be gone and you will be blamed for all the food that she now has to cook for everyone.
3. Expect her to be consumed with whatsApp, Twitter and Facebook etc. instead of seeing to the affairs of the house.
4. Expect her not to know how to cook, bake, sew, wash dishes etc.
5. Expect her to demand a huge monthly allowance for shopping. Clear up this point before marriage .
6. Expect her to be rude and abrupt when you kindly remind her of her responsibilities. You will have to make Sabr.
7. Expect her to miss her family a lot. This is natural and offence should not be taken.
8. Expect her to ignore you somewhat when her family is around. Control your jealous impulses.
It is but natural that she will show affection to her family.
9 . Moulana Thanvi (rahmatullahi alayh) said that many wives do not have it in their nature to display affection towards their husbands.
This does not mean that they do not love them.
10. Expect her to have wild mood swings especially when she is expecting or close to her monthly menstruation cycle.
She does not really mean it when she is angry and tells you nasty things.
11. Your biggest Sheikh is your wife. She knows you in and out. You can hide your faults from your parents, Ustaaads, Sheikh and friends.
But it is very difficult to hide your faults from your wife. When she points out your shortcomings, you will initially be angry. Calm down and reflect if she is
right or wrong.
12. Don’t expect her to supplement your income. The onus is on you to provide for her.
13. Do not discuss any past girlfriends etc that you may have had. This will hurt her heart.
14. Remember the three P’s. (1) Protect her peace of mind especially when it comes to your mother. Be just to both even if both make Zulm upon you.
(2) Provide for her (3) Participate with her emotions. When she is happy, be happy. When she is grieved, be grieved.
15. Ensure that you know what belongs to you. Wedding gifts etc. cannot be jointly owned unless clearly stipulated.
16. Consider yourself the most fortunate husband if you have a wife who is a means of you coming closer unto Allah.
Do not take offence at her ill temperament. When she annoys you, think that you have a sister or a daughter. How would you like them to be treated?
Sabr is a key to Jannah which awaits you, Insha-Allah.
HOPE FOR THE BEST…
PREPARE FOR THE WORST…BEFORE GETTING MARRIED, WHAT SHE SHOULD EXPECT…
Before marriage check his age out. Conduct a personal interview with him in privacy.
1. He may want three meals to be cooked daily.
2. He may want his clothing to be washed and ironed neatly and to be placed in the bathroom.
3. He may want you to complement him and praise him regularly. Be careful of this as he may have been on drugs.
4. He may want you to meet and associate with his family even if you are uncomfortable.
5. He may get jealous if you are seen to be too close to your parents, brothers and sisters.
6. He may never help with household chores or with the kids. In fact he may be untidy himself.
7. He may show annoyance at you because the children were crying when he comes home tired after a long day.
8. He may leave you alone at home while he is gone on fishing trips, or to watch cricket or play golf the whole day.
9. He may be a miser and just stick to the basics. Do not expect him to spend anything on you at all.
He expects that it should not be a problem with you when he squanders money on the latest mobile phones and other gadgets.
10. He may be impatient and expect you to be ready whenever he is going anywhere. Any delay on your part will be frowned upon. You may even be sworn at.
11. Being the husband, he may feel that he has the right to be comfortable first. Thus the fan, aircon or heater etc. will be used at his discretion even if it inconveniences you.
Food should be cooked according to his tastes.
12. He expects you not to lecture him if he is a smoker though you may find it disgusting.
13. Expect him to demand his conjugal rights. Your headache and tiredness does not matter.
14. He may engross himself with lots of Ibaadah and Deeni activities to the extent that he will ignore your rights and happiness.
15. He may be a person who takes his mother’s side no matter what she says or does. Be prepared mentally.
May Allah give every wife who has such a husband tons of Sabr for surely she is a Jannati, Insha-Allah.